Ten years...and it comes to this

I graduated from a fundamentalist christian high school in 1994. I am no longer a christian. I am bisexual. I am a pagan unitarian universalist. I, more than likely, have nothing in common with the majority of my graduating class. I know I have little in common with my old friends, many of whom are pastors, pastor's wives and teachers at the school.

Yet, I answered the email and provided them with my contact information.

And, I did not come out! I didn't come out of the ex-christian closet and I didn't come out of the queer closet. I like to believe that we are all searching for universal truth. Spiritual, scientific, personal... it's all the same to me. We're on a journey. It may be a journey back into nothing, back into the earth, but it's still a journey.

I tell myself that if they approach me using god-talk I can shift it's frequency just so, that I may be able to hear their true intent. Their concern for me, my "soul", my life. I tell myself that I don't have to feel afraid or threatened by their dogma. I tell myself that I can keep my political views private, that they aren't entitled to know my personal thoughts about Iraq, marriage equality, healthcare and foreign policy. I tell myself that I am ok without their approval, with the fellowship of our mutual belief forever broken, for my part.

I am afraid of them, really. I am afraid of their disapproval, afraid that I am not the shining person they thought I was. I am angered that they will think I have "succumbed to the evil one." I haven't. I just listened to my heart. My heart that they think their god created. I want to be loved for who I am now and even who I was, not because I am "lost."

And I think of my new friends. I think about the people who are in my life now, that love me for who I am. That know my past and don't see it as sin. People who appreciate what losing faith is and the bittersweet wisdom it brings. The freedom it brings.

I ask myself why I answered the email. I am curious to know about the lives of the people I was once so close to. It's so hard to explain the beloved feeling friends in shared religion can have. It's so fulfilling, so wonderful. And so perilous should you cease to believe. But, I want to know. I want to know if A. became a doctor. I want to know how R.'s recording career in the christian music industry is going. I want to talk about the joys and sleepless nights of being a stay-at-home mom with K. I want to know what kind of girl R.S. married, if at all. I want to know if E. and P. are gay, like I always wondered. I want to know if anyone has left the faith, like me.

So, I suppose if I succumbed to anything it was curiosity, which isn't always a bad thing.

Social Justice Monday at Light Streams!

I've had a bee in my bonnet to blog about fair compensation and social justice for several days now. So, for starters here are two of my favorite fair-trade sites.

Welcome to Eziba. Beautiful gifts and other droolworthy items, globally sourced and fairly compensated. Read about their ethical guidelines here. And if you really love me, you'll buy me these.

Put down that Starbucks! You should be drinking this. Give corporate coffee the finger. Drink your cuppa knowing that the individuals who grew and harvested your coffee are being paid fairly for their work.

Enjoy. Oh, and I'll be waiting for the earrings.

Speaking of language

I remember visiting Koko the gorilla at the San Franscisco Zoo, before she was moved to her enclosure in Woodside, back in the 1970s.

Koko's 33 years of age and knows over 1000 American Sign Language signs. Her gentleness, her intelligence and capacity for emotion are inspiring. Not because she's an ape with feelings. We're apes with feelings. Rather, that she is an example to the world of just exactly who we share the planet with. We most certainly are not alone.

Do not adjust your set

I'm still here. Just not much to really blog about, recently. No Colin Firth to titillate my dreams.

We got DSL. It's nice. Faster than dialup, for sure. Still not screaming quick, but certainly better than before.

Today is my second anniversary of being married. Yay me. For the record, relationships are hard work. Sometimes you need a bottle of champagne and a box of Belgian chocolates to reward yourself. Which is what I'll be doing shortly.

I also wanted to share a bit about the book I'm currently reading. It's Myla Goldberg's Bee Season. She has an amazing control over the English language. Her writing is finely crafted prose. Each sentence (except for maybe two, so far) is nearly perfect. I'm not kidding.

Along those Kabbalistic lines, I'll share one of my favorite websites.
The Internet Anagram Server is a great place for fun. Ancient Jewish mystics believed in the perfection of each letter and it's significance in the greater whole of the word of which it was a part. I don't know how much I believe that, but I do know if you anagram your whole name you're guaranteed a few good laughs, if not a name for an email address.

Happy Anagramming. And read Bee Season.